All These Lives
by realmsoffreedom
Summary: "All these lives that you've been taking, deep inside, my heart is breaking." The prospect of losing a member didn't cross their minds, until one night. The night that changed everything they knew for the worst.


**Hey guys. So, this is a one-shot that was inspired by two things- the song 'All These Lives' by Daughtry, and a similar songfic, by Miss Fenway. I got the idea from her, and some of it may seem similar, but I did put a very different twist on mine. Hers is absolutely beautiful, and I encourage you all to check that out as well. That being said- this story is nowhere near the realm of happy- it is dark. Kidnapping is a very serious and personal matter in my life, so the emotion in this is raw, and I'm not gonna lie- it's painful. Trigger warning- abuse, rape, depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and a crapload of swearing. I've worked on this piece for weeks, and I hope you enjoy it. **

* * *

_December __22__nd__, 2013_

"He's gone."

Two words. Two words that slip from Kendall Knight's lips, as he stands in front of two-fourths of their group. Eyes averted- mainly because he doesn't want Carlos or Logan to see the unshed tears glittering behind glassy green orbs- Kendall stares at the ceiling, trying to quell his incessant shaking.

"We know," Logan whispers. "We've known for a year. What if he isn't just gone? What if he's…?" Logan trails off, a choked sob escaping. He ducks his head, firmly pressing his lips together- as if he's trying to hold the sobs in.

"He's stronger than that. He wouldn't give up on us," Carlos says firmly. His optimism is empty- the pain in his eyes reveals that. Cocoa pools of agony gaze back at their unofficial leader. "He wouldn't give up on his dream."

Logan laughs bitterly. "What dream, Carlos? As far as I know, Big Time Rush has been done for over a year. That dream has been stomped on, shattered, and broken into ten thousand million shards that are impossible to put back together."

"Hey." Kendall diffuses the oncoming argument with a single word. "Stop it." He runs a hand through his messy blond hair, silently begging. _Someone, anyone, tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix this. Because it's crumbling around me, and only one person can fix everything. Only one person can make us whole again_.

Their boots crunch in the cold Minnesota snow, as the frigid air rushes around them. Logan stops in front of a telephone poll- gaze tired and pained. He rips a paper from the pole and scans it for just short of a few seconds, before words come tumbling out of his mouth like waves. "James Diamond. Born- July 16th, 1995. Age- 18. Missing since June 22nd, 2012." He rips the paper in half and lets the pieces fall to the ground. "Why don't they just start drafting his obituary already? It's obvious that he _isn't going to be found_."

"Logan," Carlos warns, his voice growing heavy with weariness. "Stop being so pessimistic."

"What do you expect, Carlos?! My best friend is probably _dead_!"

"Don't fucking say that!"

"You're not the-"

"_Stop it!_" Kendall raises his voice- finally rejoining the present. Losing himself in his thoughts has become frequent- unless he's broken out of them to referee a festering argument, or try to reassure Katie that James isn't dead. "All you two do anymore is fight! You talk about him being gone or dead or whatever, but lemme tell you one thing- fighting like idiots isn't going to bring James back!"

* * *

_June 21, 2012_

"Minnesota air smells so good right now," Carlos murmurs, dropping his duffel in front of his doorstep. "I've really missed this place."

"It's _air_, genius! It smells no different than California air," Logan retorts, shaking his head. "Are we all doing something together, or are we just gonna go home and sleep?"

"I vote for option two," James mutters. "I haven't had nearly enough beauty sleep in the past few days."

Gustavo and Kelly have finally permitted them to come back to Minnesota for a few weeks, and honestly- it couldn't have made them happier. Though LA is where everything spiraled into success- Minnesota is where it all began- home.

The times weren't easy- but all four of them stuck together. Both Kendall's and James' fathers walked out- Kendall's much earlier than James'. It was a good thing too- Kendall's father was a coward and James' abused him for four years. Logan's father passed away in a motorcycle accident- leaving Carlos the only one with both parents still there.

"Yeah, we should go home and crash," Kendall agrees. "Meet at the rink tomorrow?"

* * *

Something is definitely wrong when James doesn't show up the next day.

The brunette appreciates his sleep, but he would never pass up a chance to play hockey. It's his favorite pastime- if singing isn't counted. But- it's been almost 45 minutes, and James still hasn't shown himself.

"What if something happened…?" Logan mumbles to himself. "He'd text us if he wasn't coming."

To be entirely honest, the short genius is really worried about James. He hasn't seemed like himself lately- but Logan equates that to the anniversary of his dad's departure coming closer and closer. James took it hard, and he doesn't know if that factor has something to do with this.

Logan lifts his head and glances at Kendall- who's taken to skating around the rim of the rink, lost in thought- and Carlos- who's sitting on the benches, head in his hands. Something is wrong with this picture.

He sighs and skates over to Carlos, balancing in front of him. "What's up, 'Los?"

"James won't text back," Carlos whispers. "Does he hate us or something?"

Logan shakes his head. "I don't think that's it, bud. Maybe we should go to his house, if he isn't there, Mama Diamond will know where he is."

* * *

She doesn't.

She thinks James was with them, and that was the reason he didn't come down for breakfast, when she called him. They think James was with her, and Mama Diamond thinks he was with them. So in the midst of all this…

No one knows where James is.

"I'll check his room," Brooke says, turning and rushing up the steps- to the upper level of the house. Logan, Kendall, and Carlos wait in worry- thoughts reeling, hoping James is playing a prank on them- hoping this is all just a big misunderstanding.

The ear-piercing shriek that cuts through the air moments later smashes every sliver of hope to the ground. In seconds, the worried trio have climbed the stairs and rushed into their best friend's room.

James' window is shattered. Glass is sprayed across the floor, right at the edge of his footboard. Mama Diamond stands before it, her gaze one of pure terror and panic. When they join her, Logan can't help but notice regret and guilt radiating off her as well. _Did Mama Diamond know something? Something she didn't tell us?_

"Where is he?! What the _hell_ is going on?!" Kendall's voice is pure anger, as he stares at the shards of glass near their feet. "Did he do this…?"

Logan half-expects James to pop in behind them, yell 'Boo!', and for everything to be over. He expects his best friend to be playing some sort of sick prank on them, something they'd definitely _scream _at him for.

But that's obviously not what happens.

Then Logan catches blood. The sticky substance coats part of the wooden floor, along with the poles of James' bed, and Logan's stomach drops. There is no way this is a prank. Not anymore. Something happened. And it's obviously not good.

"Jay?" Carlos whispers. "James…are you here…?"

"Don't bother, Carlos," Logan hears himself say. "James is gone."

* * *

"Brooke," Mama Knight says gently. "Come on. We'll go back to my house, and you can call the police from there." She glances at the three distraught teenagers also in the room- her gaze sympathetic. "Guys, why don't you go to Carlos or Logan's houses? Their parents can get you something to eat while you wait. It's gonna be okay, you'll see."

She leads James' sobbing mother from the room, and Kendall turns to his friends. "Who's house are we going to?"

"Mine," Carlos offers. "My mami's already making something for us."

"Okay. Logie, c'mon." Kendall looks to the small brunette- face paling at the sight of Logan's tearstained face. He has always been the closest to James, and it's not surprising that he's taking this really hard.

Kendall sighs and walks over to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "We'll find him. I promise."

Little does Kendall know, this is one promise he won't be able to keep.

* * *

_June 22, 2013_

Logan stares desolately out the window of his bedroom, tears streaking his pale cheeks. It's been a year. A year since their lives were changed in the course of one day. A year since a part of them went missing. James isn't going to be found- he needs to start accepting that their quartet has become a trio.

It's been hard, that isn't a lie. He never imagined how hard they'd fall without James. He completed the puzzle- and it's been missing a piece for a year. The worst year of Logan's life. He doesn't think he's felt this horrible- ever- not even when his father died.

He and James were the closest out of all of them. James always felt like he could confide in him, and the same went for him- confiding in the tallest boy. He was the first to know about James' abusive father, and the first one James would turn to for comfort. Those nights were the worst, Logan remembers.

_A knock sounds at his door, and Logan looks up from his textbook- eyes wide. Who could be there at this hour? It's five minutes to midnight, and he assumes he's the only one awake- studying for a Chemistry test they have the next day._

_He gets to his feet and unlocks the door, pulling it open. His eyes widen comically at the sight before him. There's James, rain-soaked and freezing, limping heavily, with red, puffy eyes and tearstained cheeks. _

"_Jay," he whispers- as not to startle the obviously distraught teenager. "Come on in, bud."_

_He reaches out to help James inside, and winces at how hard the boy is shivering. He must've been out in the rain for over twenty minutes, and the thoughts of pneumonia float into Logan's brain. He pushes them aside and leads James up to his bedroom, careful not to awaken his mother. _

_James lets out a choked sob. "I'm s-s-sorry. I didn't know where to g-g-go and I was so c-c-old."_

_Logan shakes his head, shushing him. "It's no problem, Jay." He walks over to his dresser and pulls out a pair of pajamas, which he hands to his friend. "Go get out of those soaked clothes- you're gonna get sick. We'll talk afterward."_

_In a matter of five minutes, James has changed into Logan's clothes- which are quite small on him, but he hasn't shown a sign of caring. He lies down on Logan's mattress, still shaking, and motions for the owner of the bed to lie down next to him._

"_Jay," Logan says gently. "What happened? Who did this to you?"_

_James shakes his head- as if trying to get the thought of the person out of his mind. Logan sighs, brushing hair from his face and kissing his forehead. _

"_James," Logan repeats. "If you tell me, I promise I won't tell anyone. I'm going to help you, buddy."_

_James hesitates, but after a moment's consideration, finally chokes out a name. "My d-d-dad."_

That night, James had stayed with him- slept with his head buried in Logan's chest, crying himself into a restless sleep. And Logan remembers how he didn't sleep at all- too enraged at James' father. The abuse went on for a year after that, and Kendall and Carlos found out six months after that night.

When they were taken to LA, James had finally escaped his father's wrath. A few weeks after they'd settled in, James had received a call from his mother- Kevin Diamond had walked out. He left with no call, no letter, nothing, and that finally calmed James' incessant fears. He could go home and feel safe.

Logan can't help but wonder. _Is it his father? _He didn't want to believe it, but the theory was definitely plausible, given Kevin's bitter history with James.

Another sob escapes, and he doesn't know how he's managed to cope for this long. His incessant worry for his best friend is overwhelming, and Logan just needs solace. He just needs the feeling of relief, in any form. He doesn't care how.

That is the day he picks up a blade.

* * *

_June 22, 2012_

"The police are on it," Mama Knight says as she enters the Garcia home, rubbing a hand over her eyes. "Brooke should be here soon- no one say anything about James, _please_. She's upset enough as it is- and we don't want her to do something we'll all regret."

Kendall nods to his mother, before his gaze drops to his lap again. He can feel Carlos' chocolate stare burning into his head, but he ignores it, continuing to stare at the patterns on his jeans. He promised himself he wouldn't break until he is alone- until he's in his room, where Carlos and Logan can't see him.

He's their leader. That's how it's always been- and he can't forego the image of leader now. He's known as the leader for a reason- and if he breaks down on the spot- his image- and his reputation- are screwed. He's always been the calm one in tough situations, so…why should now be any different?

The door slams open, and a rush of cold air overwhelms the room, as Mama Diamond steps into the house. She takes off her boots without a word, before dropping into the empty chair at the kitchen table, and glancing at all of them

"There's something you don't know," she whispers hollowly. "James didn't even know about it. I tried so hard to keep him safe." At this, a dry sob escapes her mouth, but she continues on. "I tried so hard to protect my baby boy, and I guess…it wasn't enough."

"What do you mean?" Kendall's surprised at Logan's harsh tone of voice- the angered boy's eyes locked on the distressed woman in front of them.

He sees Carlos lay a hand on Logan's shoulder, and the genius calms down a bit, his eyes softening- but doesn't look away.

Mama Diamond heaves a long sigh. "James had a brother. An older brother. Seven years older, to be exact. His name was Shane."

Kendall stops her. "Why didn't you tell James any of this? And why do you keep using past tense?"

"I'm getting to that, Kendall," she replies. "When I was pregnant with Shane- when I told Kevin- he wasn't happy, to put it nicely. He was enraged. He didn't want a child, he claimed. He kept telling me to get an abortion, but I couldn't. I don't believe in killing an innocent, living being before they've even had a chance to see the world. So I kept the baby. This made Kevin angrier than ever, and when Shane was born…it was not a pretty sight. The moment he turned one, Kevin took over. He abused both me _and _Shane- Shane far more than me.

You're probably wondering why I didn't get help. If I told anyone, Kevin threatened to kill my son. I know it was a horrible excuse not to tell, but my son's life was at stake, and I panicked. Six years later…" Brooke's voice has dropped to a deadly whisper, her eyes trained on the ground. "Six years later, Kevin murdered Shane. In cold blood. I was devastated over his death, and I haven't forgiven Kevin to this day. However- the day Shane died…that was the day I found out I was pregnant with James. Kevin had raped me, and that's how I got pregnant with Jay. But I don't regret that. James is the greatest gift God has given me, and I will always have Shane in my heart.

He has James at this very moment- Kevin didn't want him either. If we get there in time, he won't kill him. I can promise you that. But it's imperative we find James. God knows what Kevin could do to him…"

* * *

_June 22__nd__, 2013_

Kendall sighs, staring at the picture frame in his hands. The picture inside is of all four of them- just before they'd left for LA. All of them had gone down to their well-known hockey rink for the last time, and at the end, his mother had taken a picture. Kendall remembers that day as one of the best in his life.

He can't believe James is dead. The taller boy is strong- much stronger than he is. He remembers how James held him together after his father walked out- how James was right by his side, holding him and telling him it would be alright- that he didn't need a coward as his father.

_Kendall sighs, dangling his legs over the ledge and staring at the ground below with tears in his eyes. _

"_Y'know, if you jumped, I'd probably follow you."_

_He turns his head, blinking back the tears. "What is it, James?"_

_His best friend slides down next to him, adding his legs to Kendall's. "I was worried. Couldn't find you- I knew you'd come up here."_

"_It doesn't matter," Kendall replies bitterly. "Go find Carlos and Logan- you'll need to help Logie deal with Carlos and his ideas of doing dangerous shit because he finds it amusing. I'm fine."_

"_Bullshit," James says immediately. "If you were fine, you wouldn't be sitting on a ledge- crying, and considering jumping off of it."_

"_I wasn't-"_

"_Don't even start with me, Kendall. I know you better than you know yourself. I know that you're not that picturesque, strong leader all the time. You have your low points, and this is obviously one of them."_

"_I'm fine, James."_

_James huffs, wrapping an arm around Kendall's shoulders. "This is what I hate about you, Ken. You're so reluctant to admit you need help. It's not a fucking sin to admit that you can't do it on your own. Carlos and Logie ask for help all the time."_

"_Because they're younger, James! It's my job to take care of them!" _

_James heaves a big sigh. "I didn't know that the job of protector came with so much sacrifice. And you know what? It fucking _doesn't_. You're not superman, Kendall."_

"_I don't know how," Kendall says hollowly, turning his gaze back to the billions of tiny people bustling around the city below them. "I just wonder why he left me to deal with all of this shit. I'm not strong enough."_

"_Stop right there." James' voice is steely, and Kendall can feel him glaring at him. "Stop degrading yourself. Your father is a fucking coward- no matter how much you try to defend him. You're _fourteen_, Kendall. You're still a kid yourself- you shouldn't have to deal with the responsibilities of a father."_

"_You act like your own father isn't fucked up," Kendall grumbles. _

"_My father's a dickhead. That's great- I think we've all established it. But today isn't about him- it's about _you._"_

"_Since when did you become so damn relentless?"_

"_Since you started neglecting your own health. C'mon Ken, I'm _here. _I'm here for you. No one else has to know about this- you can tell me anything, do anything, be anything you want, and you fucking _know_ that I won't judge you."_

_Something James' said has sparked emotion in the broken blonde. Before he can force it back down, a sob erupts from his throat, and before he knows it- they're coming in fast rushes, too quick to be controlled. Tears streak his cheeks, and he knows he can't do this anymore. _

_James' actions are immediate- he pulls the shorter blonde into his chest and allows Kendall to bury his face in his shirt, as the latter sobs. He breaks down into James' arms, and the taller boy smiles ruefully. This is what he wanted, but seeing Kendall in such a fragile state is heartbreaking. _

"_I've got you, it's okay. It's gonna be okay."_

_Kendall lifts his head, staring at James with red, puffy eyes. "I need you. Don't leave me, Jay. Please."_

"_I won't, Ken. I'm right here- it's okay."_

"_Promise me." Kendall's voice is so desperate- even if James wanted to say no, there would've been no way he could._

"_I promise."_

"You broke it, James," Kendall says bitterly. "And you broke me."

He turns over and buries his face in his pillow- to an outsider, it would look like he was just sleeping- one would have to be extremely close to hear Kendall's soft sobs- the trembling cries that shake his frame.

It's the first time Kendall has completely broken down- without James' strong, comforting arms enveloping him.

* * *

_June 22__nd__, 2012_

Logan doesn't know how to react to Mama Diamond's story. He can barely process what he's just heard. James' father…is a _murderer_? And he's the one that most likely kidnapped his second son?

It seems like a horror story- a terrible nightmare that Logan desperately wants to awaken from. But as he gazes around the dining room table, red, teary eyes greet him. He knows it's reality from the pained gazes his best friends wear. He knows it's reality because there's one empty chair at the table.

A chair that screams- _James_. It wouldn't be right if any of them sat in it- the chair has always belonged to James- for as long as Logan can remember. He tries to smile at the tangent his thoughts have taken, but it's hard- knowing the story he's just heard- and the many ways his heart is shattering.

He can't fathom James dying. Especially at the hands of his own father- Logan feels nauseated just thinking of that fact. He knows that people murder all the time in the world- it is a cruel, fucked up world- but he's thoroughly disgusted at the thought of a father murdering his own creation.

James is the creation of Kevin and Brooke Diamond- and if the police are too late, he'll die at the very hands of Kevin Diamond.

Logan's stomach rolls. In one motion- he stands from the table and finds himself in the Garcia's bathroom, crouching in front of the toilet. Vomit expels from his stomach- into the white bowl, before the nausea passes just as quickly as it came.

* * *

Kendall needs a break.

He pushes up from the table and grabs his coat, slipping his feet into his sneakers. Within seconds, he's out the door, hugging his arms to his chest. He doesn't know where he's going- just that he needs to take a walk- clear his head.

James had a brother? And said brother was killed? Not killed, _murdered_. The correction visualizes in his brain, and he shakes his head a couple times, as if trying to get rid of the horrid mental images.

The daunting factor- it's mainly how little James knows about it. James has _no idea _who the hell Shane is- nor does he know that his dad is a fucking cold-blooded killer. He knows that Mr. Diamond is abusive, but James doesn't know he's capable of _killing_, and that just makes Kendall 100 times more terrified.

He can't lose James. They all made a promise to be together forever. To live together, get married together, be the best men at each others' weddings, to grow old together, and to die together. He remembers promising James that he could die last- the taller boy always wanted to be remember- and there he'd be- remembered as the oldest man to live.

That memory is replaced by incessant fear. James is so close to death- and he can't let that happen, but Kendall can't do _anything_, and it's just fucking ripping him apart because James needs him. The one time James needs him, and all he can do is hope and pray and plead to anyone who is fucking up there- plead that James be spared. He doesn't deserve to die this young.

James completed them. When he joined Hawk- after Griffin sent them back to Minnesota, their group was lacking something. Carlos and Logan fought a lot, and Kendall remembers how lost he felt. James made him feel safe and whole again. The tall brunette had so much power over the three of them, and he didn't even know it.

Kendall wonders- does James know what's going on? Is he okay? Is he scared? Questions with no answers, a broken heart with no chance of fixing.

Kendall's done.

* * *

Carlos feels like someone just punched him in the stomach.

He's been bullied in the past- he knows exactly what it feels like to get the wind knocked out of you, the pressure put on your abdominal area after the hit. He feels that now, and no one has laid a finger on him.

At first, he can't breathe. Dark spots cloud his vision, and he has to blink multiple times for them to leave. He can't think- his thoughts are reeling and whirling and confusing the hell out of him. He doesn't know how to differentiate between realities and dreams- his sense of right and wrong has been thoroughly jumbled.

Kendall and Logan have both disappeared- Kendall probably decided to take a walk, and he can hear Logan vomiting in the bathroom. He rises to his feet as well, but he doesn't know where he's headed, until his feet carry him into his bedroom.

He climbs onto his mattress and stares at a blank spot on the blue walls, thinking to himself. James can't die. He can't die at seventeen. That's not fair- he has to wait until he's at least 80 or 90. Even 70 would be fine, but not seventeen. No fucking way. It's too early- too soon for James to be remembered as someone amazing. And goddamn, does he deserve to be remembered as someone amazing. James is so fucking radiant- and Carlos doesn't know how to function without his partner in crime.

Carlos can't even imagine a world without James. It's too horrible and too pessimistic to think about. He tries his best to be an optimist- but in situations like these- he can't look at the bright side when all his brain can compute is- James could be dead. He doesn't know how to think of anything else.

Carlos is no idiot. He may be the more crazy, fun-loving one of the group, but he is _not _an idiot. He knows that James is in trouble, and self-hate floods his mind, because he can't do anything to save his best friend. He considers the guys brothers- brothers will sacrifice anything for each other- and Carlos wishes it was him instead of James. He wishes he could die, if it means James is fine and well and _happy_.

But all he can do is consider every single possibility until his head explodes. And even that will do nothing to help James.

So it's pretty much hopeless.

* * *

_June 23__rd__, 2012_

"What do we do now?"

Kendall glances at Carlos and Logan, his gaze growing more and more concerned by the minute. Both of them look like _wrecks_- although it seems quite normal, considering the circumstances.

He doesn't want to think about the circumstances. He doesn't want to think about how James is probably getting beaten senseless, or raped, or tortured, and all he can do is fucking _sit here_.

"We wait," Carlos mutters. "And we have hope."

"Hope is a fucking lie," Logan says bitterly.

"When did you turn into such an asshole?" Carlos retorts, glaring at the pessimistic brunette in front of him. It's only been a day. James will definitely show up- he'll be found in no time, and then they can get back to the way they were. They can feel like a unit again.

"When I opened my eyes to the harshness that is life," Logan replies. "Things aren't fucking sunshine and rainbows, no matter how bright and happy shit is in your fantasy world. James was fucking _kidnapped_. Even if we _do _find him, he won't be the same. Nothing will ever be the same again."

"Logan," Kendall warns. "Sometimes, you need to keep certain opinions to yourself."

"You mean the ones where I believe that James is going to die?"

* * *

_June 22__nd__, 2013_

Carlos wonders if Logan was right. That day, when he claimed that James would die. He wonders if Logan was predicting the future- and if he was, how was he able to do that? How was Logan able to flat-out say that James is going to die?

He couldn't even _think _about it- let alone say it out loud. He still can't say it out loud. It's been an entire fucking year and he still can't even say it. It's inevitable that James is dead- he couldn't have survived an entire _year_ with that fucking _monster_.

"James is…" He tests it out, and he just can't say that last word. "James is…dead… James is dead."

Tears blur his vision as the sentence is finally said correctly, and he remembers how full of life his older brother was. How overprotective he was- he always watched out for all of them. It was nice…not only viewing Kendall as a protector.

He remembers James' overprotectiveness well. Carlos was the victim of horrendous bullying, and James was always there to defend him and take care of him. James was his other half, and the missing fourth of their circle.

_Carlos curls farther into the wall, trying to make himself as small as possible. They surround him, staring at him with evil eyes and menacing exteriors. Their hands grab for his t-shirt, blood already soaking the fabric. _

_He's already beaten up and bleeding. They've taken his phone, wallet, and anything else valuable he had on him. They've taken his pride, his dignity, his friends, and his life. There is nothing left for them to steal from him. He's a broken, helpless boy that just needed a sliver of hope._

"_Hey! Get the FUCK away from him!" _

_And there it is._

_One by one, the crowd dissipates, and Carlos is left bleeding and crying on the concrete basketball court, begging for James to take care of him. He doesn't care how pathetic he sounds, because right now- all he needs is love. _

"_Oh, Carlos…"_

_A muscular form drops to their knees in front of him, and he feels himself being lifted into someone's arms. James' arms. He cuddles into the older boy's chest, crying softly, as James carries him away from the dangers of their school. The older boy is silent until they are up in his room, where he lays Carlos on the bed. _

"_I can't believe they keep fucking doing this to you," James grumbles, running a hand through Carlos' short, black locks._

"_It's okay," Carlos winces. "I can handle it. It's not like they're going to kill me or something."_

_James' face hardens. "No, Carlos. You shouldn't have to deal with that shit. They're torturing you, and you _need_ to do something about it."_

"_At what cost, James?" Carlos snaps. "No fifteen year old tattles to the teachers, like the baby he is."_

"_You're not tattling. You need help."_

_Carlos sighs. "Two more years. Then we're out of this hellhole and into college. Everything will be cool there."_

"_Y'know, it feels like I should be the one reassuring you, in a normal situation like this."_

_Carlos giggles. "When have we ever been normal, Jay?"_

"_I'm still telling Kendall and Logan about this," James warns, sliding onto the bed, and collecting Carlos' battered body in his arms. "The three of us are gonna kick their _asses_."_

"_You will do no such thing," Carlos mutters. "You'll get kicked off the hockey team for sure."_

_James smiles, and nuzzles into Carlos' neck. "A small price to pay, for defending the brother I love more than anything."_

James did that for him, and Carlos can't even return the favor. James needs him now- more than ever, and there's nothing he can do to rescue his best friend. He's thought about it- long and hard- for days upon weeks, upon nights.

He can't do anything, and it's the worst feeling in the world.

"James is dying…" Carlos whimpers. "And I'm doing nothing about it."

* * *

_June 23__rd__, 2012_

"There has to be something! His father has him! We _know_ that!" Kendall cries, his voice panicked and fearful.

Officer Garcia sighs. "I'm sorry, Kendall. We don't know for sure that Kevin has James. We can't do anything until we do. The only thing left to do now- is to keep looking for James."

"That's not enough," Carlos whimpers. "His father could _kill _him!"

"I'm sorry, Mijo," Officer Garcia repeats, collecting his son in his arms. He hates the heartbroken looks on the boys' faces- the pain and agony etched across them is obvious. They need James- they can't function as a proper group without him.

"This is bullshit." Logan's finally found his voice, and Officer Garcia is shocked at the anger and venom it holds. Logan has never been a vindictive child- in fact; he always seemed to be the gentlest of the four- polite and courteous.

"You aren't doing your fucking jobs," Logan says coldly. "My brother- _our _brother- could be out there, getting _raped_, and you say you can't do anything about it? Utter bullshit. He needs to be found. He needs to get away from that miserable excuse for a human being. If you can't be bothered to put any effort into finding my best friend, fine. I'll do it myself."

A minute later, the back door to the Knight household slams shut, and Officer Garcia turns to Carlos with shock and worry in his eyes.

"What's wrong with him?"

Kendall breathes out a sigh. "He hasn't been the same since we realized what'd happened. He and James were the closest out of all of us. He's taking this extremely hard."

The weary father sighs. This is what he hates about his job- he's a cop, but he never imagined he would be taking a case for his son's best friend. When family and friends get involved in cases, the entire thing becomes ten times more grueling, because the burning desire to do something, _anything_, is always there.

"We're doing our best to find him, boys. And we _will._"

* * *

_December 22__nd__, 2013_

It would be a nice Christmas present, Logan thinks.

Finding James would be so much more than that. It would be the best possible Christmas present anyone could every give them. It would top every single holiday in the book- even the future ones. James would finally complete them- make them a unit again.

They've fallen apart- to say the very least. Their entire friendship was stretched to the breaking point- and though there hasn't been a big fight that ended it all- they've all grown distant. Distant and hollow, Logan realizes. He doesn't know what emotion is anymore. Specifically- happy. How long has it been since he's felt that? How long has it been since he's smiled?

Unless it was fake. Gustavo and Kelly had to schedule quite a few interviews about the entire thing- in which they all had to plaster fake smiles on, and pretend they were holding themselves together, when it reality- they were falling apart at the seams.

He thinks back to earlier, when Kendall claimed that all he and Carlos do anymore is fight. That isn't a lie- he has noticed that the fights with Carlos have escalated to a whopping height in the past few months. It's not that he's _trying_ to fight with his best friend- anger and fatigue can get the best of someone.

James was just…more than a fourth of their circle. He was their mediator, their protector, and the person that held them all together when they were about to break. He knew their weaknesses- the subjects that were to be treaded lightly upon. He talked them through break-ups, broke up fights, let them cry into his chest…James was everything.

_You never realize what you have, until it's gone._ The quote staring at him on his laptop screen makes Logan want to burst into tears. The tight feeling in his throat comes- but he doesn't allow for tears to fall. Instead, he pulls his razor from behind his pillow, and rolls up his sleeve.

Only after he's sliced into his wrist about five times, does he attempt to calm down.

* * *

Kendall can't be strong anymore. He can't pretend that he's okay- when in reality, he just wants to cry and sob and break down. But he can't do that- the only place he feels completely safe doing it in- is James' embrace.

And that's been gone for exactly a year and six months. Kendall doesn't know how he's been able to cope for this long- he knows that Logan has a horrid way of coping- though the exact thing Logan does is still a mystery to him- he also knows that Carlos is struggling just as much as he is- the burden of their loss dragging them down.

If James were dead, he probably would've gotten over it already. But the agony that comes with the limbo- wondering whether your brother is alive or dead is the worst pain in the world. He doesn't know how to describe it, and he wouldn't wish it on his worst enemy.

Sobs overcome him out of nowhere, and he can feel the pain in his throat as his body trembles with each oncoming sob. "I can't do this, James! Why'd you have to leave me like this?! I'm not strong enough! I'm _not fucking strong enough_!"

He obviously receives no answer, but it makes him cry harder this time. Reality hits him- James is gone and he isn't coming back. James is gone forever- pulled from their lives in a single night. And he did nothing to stop it. He did nothing to save his best friend, and the guilt still eats away at him. It haunts him, taunting him with each breath he takes.

Everything he does reminds him of James. Painful memories that he'd like to stab into the ground, or wash away with drops of alcohol. He's much too young to start drinking, but that doesn't mean he hasn't tried some beer on occasion- particularly nights where he's just _done_ with it all. It's dangerous, but Kendall lost the will to care about himself a long time ago.

It's hard to be the strong one all the time. James understood that- he was probably the only one that did. He knew that Kendall couldn't be at his best all the time, and he accepted Kendall's flaws. After all- everyone had flaws. Kendall's were his reluctance to ask for help, and his insistence on keeping up a façade until it finally fell apart- until _he _finally fell apart.

In other words, Kendall's spiraling downward- fast. He thought he could do it- and now he realizes that this is simply too much for him. Cracking at the seams seems like the only thing left for him…that, or killing himself. If he can't have James, at least he'll go to a place of serenity, where he can finally be at peace with the demons attacking his mind.

* * *

Carlos is just sad.

Sad and broken, maybe. He can't tell the difference anymore. He's tried so hard to be the optimist in this situation, but it's backfired on him. Just like Logan predicted- he knows that James has a very slim chance of even being alive right now. He doesn't think that James will ever be found.

Which seals his fate for the rest of his life. Carlos is just going to be depressed and broken- sad and shattered- until he withers away into nothing. He doesn't give a damn about the world anymore. It's a cruel place- it's what stole the reason he had to live from him.

The world is a fucked up, horrid place, and Carlos just hates it with every fiber of his being. He hates that the world took his Jamie from him, he hates that the world refuses to give back the light in their lives, and most of all, he hates Kevin fucking Diamond for breaking all four of them into thousands of unfixable shards. He hates James' father for taking whatever they had and stomping it to the ground in one single night.

Even if James were found broken- injured, terrified, a complete mess- he would be ecstatic. Because James would be _alive_, and that's all that really matters to Carlos. He just wants to see James alive through all of his, and although the thought is quite far out, considering James could very well be dead, it is his one wish.

Being a superhero means nothing to him anymore. All the things he's wanted in the past are just mere memories. The only thing he wants right now is for James to come back to them. That would be the best present of all, and it doesn't even need a pretty bow.

"Please come home, Jamie," he whispers, as tears begin to fall from his eyes. He's cried so much in the past few days- it makes him feel weak and pathetic, but he can't help himself. He's overcome with emotion, and there must be some way to let go of it all.

Carlos is nothing of the happy, playful guy he once was. The Latino has transformed into a shell of his former self, and he can't even remember what he was like before. He doesn't know what happy is anymore- it's been that long since he's feel positive emotions.

He doesn't care how long it's been. James needs to come back. He needs to fix them, before they all kill themselves- to get away from the pain of living without their last piece of the puzzle. Death would be better than living like this. Eighteen months has been nothing but hell, and Carlos is just done with it all. Life fucking sucks- if anyone really cared about them, a miracle would've graced them by now.

But all that's left are the broken pieces of three boys, the limbo of life and death of the fourth, and just an ocean of agony.

* * *

**Um, I'm sorry? I seriously didn't mean for it to be this painful, but... Anyway- I'd love to know what you thought- there _is _a chance this could become a multi-chapter, but who knows? :)**

**-Neha**


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